For many, Thanksgiving and the winter holidays are a time of warmth, tradition, and connection. The holidays, especially Thanksgiving, are often portrayed as a time of perfect togetherness.
But if you’re living with a mental illness or substance use disorder—and especially if those struggles have strained or damaged family relationships—this time of year can feel complicated.
And, all too often, isolating.
Advertisements and social media posts showcasing cheerful celebrations can make it feel as if everyone else has a rosy family life.
You’re not alone.
And you’re not failing. Holiday challenges don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. They simply mean you’re human. And, you’re doing your best in a season that asks a lot of us emotionally.
Here are a few ideas for easing the stresses and strains of the season:
Validate Your Feelings
Ignoring your emotions or stuffing them down may seem like the way to make it through the holiday season with your cheer intact. You may tell yourself that you’ll deal with your emotions later, after everything calms down. But that will only cause more pain.
It’s OK to not feel cheerful this time of year. And it’s much more common than you think. It’s important that you don’t beat yourself up for your emotions.
Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to experience the season without judgment. Naming your feelings—even the uncomfortable ones—can make them easier to manage.
You may feel sad or angry about the family you wish you had or traditions that are no longer possible. This is completely normal.
Set Your Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls; they are guardrails that protect your recovery and peace of mind. During the holidays, clear boundaries are crucial. Beforehand, think about what you need to feel safe, supported, and respected.
This could mean that you decline some invitations, avoid certain conversations, leave events early, or bring a trusted friend along.
Do not feel obligated to attend an event that jeopardizes your mental health or sobriety. If you do attend an event, make an escape plan ahead of time by planning what you’ll do if you feel overwhelmed. That could be finding a space to be alone or leaving the event. If your exit plan involves you leaving early, make sure you have your own transportation.
You are also not obligated to participate in conversations that make you feel uncomfortable. You do not have to debate, defend, or explain your recovery or mental health status. And you don’t have to answer intrusive questions. It’s OK to say, “That’s not something I want to talk about right now.” Or, decide in advance on a neutral, non-committal answer to questions you think will arise.
If your relationship with family is fragile, clear boundaries can actually support healing by preventing old patterns from resurfacing.
And remember—you don’t have to justify your boundaries. A simple “I’m not able to do that this year” is enough.
Prepare for Your Triggers
Holidays can bring up plenty of old memories and/or relationships. Sometimes we find ourselves falling automatically into roles others have created for us. And, even the people and places we love can feel triggering.
Prepare ahead of time and decide on some coping skills in advance.
Some ideas to keep in your resilience toolbox:
- Choose a grounding technique that helps you. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Count backwards from 100
- Focus on three things you can see, hear and touch.
- Plan a positive affirmation in advance and recite it mentally whenever you need it.
- Imagine your happy place.
- Suck on a sour hard candy.
- Do a simple stretch of your body.
- Practice some deep breathing exercises before you go, and try them when you feel your anxiety rise. One that is simple to remember is box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and then hold again for four counts.
- Bring a comfort item or distraction.
- Plan ahead for cravings. Is there a substitute you can prepare in advance?
- Think of someone to text or call if you need support.
- Give yourself permission to take short breaks or step outside.
Choose Your Healthy Holiday
Holidays don’t have to be celebrated the same way each year, especially if those traditions, people, or events don’t bring you peace.
Ask yourself which situations and people feel safe to you. What traditions are meaningful? Which traditions don’t matter to you? What expectations can you let go of?
If your traditional family gathering feels unsafe or impossible, create a new experience. Some ideas for making Thanksgiving a positive time for you if you need to change things up:
- Hold a Friendsgiving event with the people who understand and support you unconditionally.
- Spend the day volunteering.
- Dedicate the day to self-care: a long hike, a good book, a spa day, a home movie marathon, a cherished hobby, etc.
Build Your Own Connections
If being with relatives isn’t safe or possible, you still deserve companionship and belonging. Family can mean:
-
friends
-
recovery groups
-
chosen family
-
faith communities
-
neighbors
-
support networks
You can create new traditions that nourish your recovery and reflect the life you’re building.
You deserve peace, connection, and hope.
No matter what your relationships look like, you are worthy of love and belonging. The holidays don’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations.