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Navigating Siblinghood When Life Throws Curveballs

by | Apr 8, 2025 | About, Developmental Disability, General, Home, Mental Health, News and Events, Substance Use Disorder

Brothers playing with blocks, trains and cars

The bond between siblings is often described as one of the longest and most enduring relationships we’ll have in our lives.

The symphony of siblinghood is filled with familiar melodies: whispered secrets, shared laughter, squabbles, and teasing. But when your sibling faces significant challenges, that rhythm can shift in ways that seem discordant.

Complex Needs

Growing up with a sibling who has a developmental disability, mental illness or substance use disorder can be a complicated and isolating experience.

While friends might share stories of typical sibling squabbles over toys or bathroom time, your experiences might involve understanding hushed conversations, witnessing emotional distress, or learning to navigate unpredictable behaviors.

Studies have found that siblings of children with mental illnesses are more likely to develop behavioral health conditions and at much higher risk for developing depression. Additional studies show that siblings of neurodivergent children are also at increased risk for mental health challenges, especially depression. Siblings of children with developmental disorders are more likely to exhibit symptoms of trauma.

The effects aren’t all negative, though. Studies also show that siblings of children with behavioral health challenges and/or developmental disabilities show enhanced empathy, higher levels of emotional intelligence, and more resilience.

More research needs to be done into the experiences of siblings, but we know that the impacts of having a brother or sister with a mental illness or developmental disability are complex. And, they vary from family to family and are influenced by a variety of factors, including parental support, income, education, access to sibling-specific supports, and more.

As children grow up alongside siblings who face unique challenges, they can feel like they occupy an unusual–and lonely–space. While friends might share stories of typical sibling squabbles, your experiences might involve navigating complex medical needs, understanding different communication styles, or witnessing emotional struggles.

Siblings’ Evolving Roles

Big sister pushing little brother in wheelchair around neighborhood, laughing and smilingAs children, we might grapple with questions we don’t fully understand, leading to feelings of confusion, protectiveness, resentment or even a sense of shame or guilt.

The role of a sibling in this situation is often multifaceted and can evolve over time. You might find yourself:

  • Becoming a caregiver: In some instances, especially as you both grow older, you might take on practical and emotional caregiving responsibilities, attending appointments, managing medications, or simply providing a listening ear during difficult times.
  • Being a protector: A natural instinct to shield your sibling from judgment, misunderstanding, or even harm can arise. You might find yourself explaining their behavior to others or advocating for their needs.
  • Becoming a natural advocate: From a young age, you might instinctively explain your sibling’s needs to others, gently correcting misconceptions and fostering understanding among peers.
  • Feeling like a silent observer: Sometimes, the focus understandably shifts to the sibling who is struggling, leaving you feeling like an outsider looking in. Your own needs and emotions might take a backseat, leading to feelings of isolation or resentment.
  • Experiencing a unique form of grief: Witnessing your sibling’s struggles can be heartbreaking. You might grieve the carefree childhood you envisioned, the opportunities they might miss, or the impact their struggles have on their overall well-being.
  • Being a bridge to the world: You might act as a translator, interpreting your sibling’s needs and desires to others, helping them navigate social situations, and fostering connections.
  • Developing incredible empathy and resilience: Navigating these challenges can foster a deep sense of empathy and understanding for others facing adversity. You often develop remarkable resilience, learning to adapt and cope with difficult situations.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that there’s no single “right” way to feel. It’s OK to feel resentment toward your sibling or to feel angry that your own needs seem to take a backseat.

Your emotions are valid, whether they are of love, frustration, sadness, or even anger. It’s also important to recognize that your own mental health and well-being matter.

Tips for Siblings

Here are some ways to navigate life as a sibling of someone with challenges:

  • Teen girl smiles with little sister who has Down syndromeEducate yourself: Learn about your sibling’s specific condition and needs. Understanding can foster empathy and equip you to better support them.
  • Communicate openly: Talk to your parents or caregivers about your feelings and concerns. Don’t hesitate to ask questions and seek support for yourself.
  • Find your own support system: Lean on friends, family, or consider talking to a therapist to process your own emotions and experiences.
  • Advocate when you can: As you grow older, you may choose to become an advocate for your sibling and others facing similar challenges.
  • Remember your own needs: It’s crucial to carve out time for your own interests and well-being. Your life and your needs are just as important.
  • Cherish the bond: Despite the difficulties, remember the unique and unbreakable bond you share with your sibling. Focus on the love and connection that exists between you.
  • Seek support for yourself: Connecting with support groups specifically for siblings of individuals with complex needs can provide invaluable understanding and shared experiences. Consider individual therapy to process your own emotions and develop coping strategies.
  • Practice self-care: Prioritizing your physical and mental health is not selfish; it’s essential for your ability to support your sibling in the long run.
  • Celebrate small victories: Progress may be incremental. Acknowledge and celebrate any positive steps your sibling takes, no matter how small they may seem.
  • Advocate for systemic change: Consider getting involved in advocacy efforts to improve services and reduce stigma surrounding these interconnected conditions.
  • Remember your sibling’s inherent worth: Despite the challenges, remember that your sibling is a unique individual with their own strengths, vulnerabilities, and inherent worth.
  • Celebrate the good moments: Despite the challenges, there will be moments of connection, progress, and joy. Cherish these moments and remember the person beyond the illness.
  • Communicate openly (when appropriate): While your sibling might not always be able to articulate their feelings, creating a safe space for open communication, when possible, can be incredibly valuable.
  • Set boundaries: It’s essential to establish healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional and mental well-being. You are not responsible for “fixing” your sibling, and it’s okay to prioritize your own needs.

Supporting Siblings

It is also important that we as a community support siblings as they face the unique challenges that come from having a brother or sister with a mental illness and/or developmental disability.

How Parents Can Help

Happy young mother and little preschooler daughter sit on couch in living room talking and chatting, smiling small girl child enjoy leisure time with mom speak communicate spend time togetherParents play a crucial role in supporting all their children, especially when one child has the complex needs of mental illness and/or a developmental disability. Here’s how parents can provide comprehensive support to the sibling(s) in this situation:

  • Educate all children: Provide age-appropriate explanations about the sibling’s developmental disability or mental illness. This helps the other sibling(s) understand that their sibling’s behaviors and challenges are not intentional or personal.
  • Open dialogue: Create a safe space for the other sibling(s) to ask questions and express their feelings – whether they are positive or negative. Validate their emotions without judgment.
  • Honest information: Be honest about the challenges the family faces, but also highlight the sibling’s strengths and positive qualities.
  • Use clear language: Avoid jargon and explain things in a way that all children can understand.
  • Acknowledge their feelings: Recognize that it’s normal for siblings to experience a wide range of emotions, including confusion, frustration, sadness, guilt, anger, or even resentment. Let them know their feelings are valid.
  • Active listening: Truly listen to their concerns and perspectives without dismissing them.
  • Individual attention: Schedule dedicated one-on-one time with each child. This makes the other sibling(s) feel valued and ensures their needs aren’t overshadowed. Even short, regular periods of focused attention can make a big difference.
  • Positive reinforcement: Acknowledge and praise the other sibling(s) for their patience, understanding, and support.
  • Address feelings of guilt: Some siblings may feel guilty for being “typical” or for feeling negative emotions. Reassure them that their feelings are normal and that they are not responsible for their sibling’s challenges.
  • Fairness, not necessarily equality: Understand that equal attention might not always be possible, but strive for fairness in how you allocate your time and resources. Explain the reasons behind any differences in treatment or expectations.
  • Avoid making the other sibling a “mini-parent”: While it’s natural for siblings to care for each other, avoid placing excessive caregiving responsibilities on the other child(ren). They need to have their own childhood and pursue their own interests.
  • Protect their time and space: Ensure the other sibling(s) have their own personal space and time to engage in activities they enjoy without constant interruption or the need to be “on call.”
  • Facilitate positive interactions: Encourage positive interactions between siblings, focusing on shared interests and abilities. Adapt activities so both siblings can participate.
  • Teach empathy and understanding: Help the other sibling(s) understand their sibling’s perspective and how to interact in ways that are supportive and respectful.
  • Intervene in conflicts fairly: When conflicts arise, address them in a way that acknowledges everyone’s feelings and promotes problem-solving, rather than automatically siding with the child with disabilities.
  • Celebrate their bond: Acknowledge and celebrate the unique bond between your children.
  • Sibling support groups: Look for local or online support groups specifically for siblings of individuals with disabilities and/or mental health challenges. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and provide valuable coping strategies.
  • Family therapy: Consider family therapy to address the impact of the sibling’s challenges on the entire family dynamic and to develop healthy communication patterns.
  • Individual therapy for the other sibling(s): If the other sibling(s) are struggling emotionally, individual therapy can provide them with a safe space to process their feelings and develop coping mechanisms.
  • Respite care: Utilize respite care services to ensure you have time and energy to meet the individual needs of all your children.
  • Connect with organizations: Reach out to organizations related to your child’s specific developmental disability and mental illness for resources, information, and support networks.
  • Include siblings in future planning (when appropriate): As they get older, involve the other sibling(s) in discussions about the future care and support of their sibling with disabilities, respecting their choices and boundaries regarding their level of involvement.
  • Reassure them about their own lives: Make it clear that they are supported in pursuing their own goals and dreams and that they will not be solely responsible for their sibling’s care in the future unless they choose to be.

By implementing these strategies, parents can create a supportive and understanding environment that acknowledges the unique experiences of all their children, fostering healthy sibling relationships and promoting the well-being of the entire family.

How Educators Can Help

High School teacher Giving Male Student One To One instruction at a deskEducators are in a unique position to provide support and understanding to students who have siblings with developmental disabilities and mental illness. They can act as a bridge between the school, the student, and their family, fostering a more inclusive and supportive environment. Here’s how educators can help:

  • Professional Development: Educators should seek professional development opportunities to better understand developmental disabilities and mental illness, and the impact these can have on the entire family, including siblings.
  • Classroom Discussions (Age-Appropriate): When relevant and appropriate, educators can facilitate age-appropriate discussions about differences, empathy, and inclusion in the classroom. This can help create a more understanding and accepting environment for students with siblings who have challenges.
  • Resource Sharing: Educators can gather and share information with other school staff (counselors, social workers, administrators) about the unique needs of siblings of children with disabilities and mental health challenges.
  • Building a Relationship: Establish a trusting and open relationship with the sibling student. Let them know you are a safe person to talk to if they need support.
  • Active Listening: Be a good listener. Allow the student to share their feelings and experiences without judgment. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can make a significant difference.
  • Individual Check-ins: Schedule brief, informal check-ins with the student to see how they are doing, especially if there are known challenges at home.
  • Recognize Potential Stressors: Be aware that the student might be experiencing additional stress, anxiety, or sadness related to their sibling’s challenges. This can manifest in various ways, such as changes in behavior, academic performance, or social interactions.
  • Offer Flexibility and Understanding: Be flexible with deadlines or assignments if the student is experiencing difficulties due to their home situation. Show understanding and empathy.
  • Help Identify Strengths: Focus on the sibling student’s strengths and talents. Provide opportunities for them to shine and build their self-esteem, which might be affected by the focus on their sibling’s needs at home.
  • Connect with School Counselors and Social Workers: If the educator notices signs of emotional distress, academic decline, or social isolation, they should connect the student with the school counselor or social worker for more specialized support.
  • Facilitate Connections to Resources: Educators can help families connect with local sibling support groups, mental health resources, and disability-specific organizations.
  • Address Bullying: Be vigilant for any signs of bullying or teasing directed at the sibling student due to their family situation and address it promptly and effectively.
  • Integrate Disability Awareness (Appropriately): When relevant to the curriculum and done in an age-appropriate way, integrate lessons or activities that promote understanding of disabilities and mental health.
  • Challenge Stereotypes: Actively challenge negative stereotypes or misconceptions about developmental disabilities and mental illness.

By taking these steps, educators can play a vital role in supporting the emotional well-being and academic success of students who have siblings with developmental disabilities and mental illness, ensuring they feel seen, understood, and supported within the school community.

How Faith Communities Can Help

Faith communities can be incredibly valuable sources of support for siblings of individuals with developmental disabilities and mental illness. Their inherent values of compassion, community, and service can provide a unique and often much-needed network of care and understanding. Here’s how faith communities can help:

  • Accessibility: Ensure physical accessibility of the faith community’s facilities for individuals with developmental disabilities and their families.
  • Sensory-Friendly Spaces: Consider creating designated sensory-friendly areas or activities to accommodate individuals with sensory sensitivities.
  • Training and Awareness: Educate members and leaders about developmental disabilities and mental illness to foster understanding and reduce stigma. This can involve workshops, guest speakers, or sharing resources.
  • Welcoming All: Explicitly communicate that individuals with disabilities and mental health challenges, as well as their families, are welcome and valued members of the community.
  • Pastoral Care: Offer pastoral counseling and support specifically tailored to the needs of siblings. This can involve acknowledging their unique challenges, validating their feelings, and offering spiritual guidance.
  • Prayer and Meditation Groups: Organize prayer or meditation groups that specifically include or focus on the needs of families impacted by disabilities and mental illness.
  • Spiritual Guidance: Help siblings find spiritual meaning and strength in their experiences.
  • Grief and Loss Support: Offer support during times of crisis, loss, or transition related to their sibling’s condition.
  • Peer Support Networks: Facilitate connections between siblings of individuals with similar challenges within the faith community. This can provide a sense of belonging, shared understanding, and practical advice.
  • Care Teams: Organize care teams within the congregation to offer practical support to families, such as meal preparation, respite care, transportation, or help with errands.
  • Social Activities: Organize inclusive social events and activities where all family members, including the sibling with disabilities, can participate and build relationships.
  • Mentoring Programs: Pair siblings with adult mentors within the faith community who have relevant experience or can offer guidance and support.
  • Respite Care Programs: Some faith communities may have volunteers willing to provide respite care for the sibling with disabilities, giving the other sibling(s) and parents a break.
  • Financial Assistance: Offer financial support, if possible, to help families cover expenses related to therapy, medication, or specialized care.
  • Information and Referrals: Connect families with local resources and organizations that specialize in developmental disabilities and mental health support. This could include support groups, therapists, advocacy organizations, and respite care providers.
  • Advocacy: Use the faith community’s voice to advocate for policies and services that support individuals with disabilities and mental illness and their families.
  • Workshops and Seminars: Host workshops or seminars on topics relevant to siblings, such as coping strategies, communication skills, and self-care.
  • Guest Speakers: Invite professionals in the fields of developmental disabilities and mental health to speak to the congregation and offer insights.
  • Children and Youth Programs: Integrate age-appropriate lessons about inclusion, empathy, and understanding differences into Sunday school or youth group programs.
  • Partner with Local Organizations: Collaborate with existing disability and mental health organizations in Fredericksburg to offer joint programs and support services.
  • Create Dedicated Ministries: Some larger faith communities might consider establishing a dedicated ministry focused on supporting individuals with disabilities and their families.

By actively embracing inclusivity, offering compassionate support, and connecting families with necessary resources, faith communities can be a powerful source of strength and hope for siblings navigating the complexities of having a brother or sister with developmental disabilities and mental illness. Their faith can provide a framework for understanding, resilience, and unwavering love in the face of unique challenges.

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